NKL is Gonna Rock Ya

Tired Dog

2009-02-02T18:33:00.001-08:00

I haven't forgotten about you, I just need more time. Don't give up hope, there shall be a new post in the near future. Until then, enjoy some pics and a pizza on me.

Gold, Al Franken, and Mir

2009-01-06T18:20:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you get bored doing certain things, and then you find other things to take the place of the thing you are bored of doing. I am referring to this blog, and hence I have not made an entry in a while. However, after visiting a number of people over the holidays I have come to realize that a great number of you liked and looked forward to said blog. Therefore, I am going to make a commitment to do more entries, not so much for me as for you, my fans. I love you all, though some of you have a bad odor.

How were your holidays, Nick? Well, thank you for asking. We spent Christmas and New Year's visiting approximately 62 relatives, friends, and relatives of friends. All of whom wanted to hold London. Except for my Dad, who called her icky. Overall we had a really great time in MD, but I think my Mom is still crying because she misses us. We can’t wait to go back, but perhaps next time we will pick two places to visit. Oh, and the trip culminated in New Year's at Schuyler and Erika’s. One interesting tidbit about that: Schuyler and Erika (mostly Schuyler) had a baby on December 30th, checked out of the hospital on the 31st at 5:30pm, and had 30 people at their house for a party by 8:30pm. That is party dedication. Rock on party mammals.

So today was London’s first day at the babysitters'. The babysitter is our neighbor Dana. Below is a picture of her at our last neighborhood party. This is the best picture we had that didn’t include nudity or vomit. Don’t worry, she is a very nice person with good morals and will be a good influence. She also has two great kids that made it this far in life, so she is doing something right. Anyway, London was apparently scared in a new place without her Mom (and to a lesser extent her Dad), so she had a trying day. She cried a lot and then pooped about six times when she got home. I don’t like to poop away from home either, but I try to limit it to three times once I do get home. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Tomorrow is another day, however, and we are sure she will get used to her new surroundings. If not, she can pay for her own Nanny; I am tired of her mooching off us.

On the catwalk...er, I mean guest room bed

2008-12-11T08:13:00.000-08:00

Christmas cards are labeled and just waiting for stamps. So your precious first Christmas photos of London will be arriving soon. For those who can't wait, here are some out-takes from our photo shoot. And by photo shoot, I mean an hour on the guest room bed surrounded by a big white sheet, ribbons, bows and other decorations. London took it all in stride. Things were going well until she decided she needed to go the bathroom. It was hard for her to smile while she was busy grunting. But we got some keepers anyway. These are not those.

All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth...and a Clean Diaper

2008-12-04T14:39:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the month-long hiatus. We are busy socialites, what with our gourmet Thanksgiving dinner and a vacation from mommy's maternity leave to visit New Hampshire. Now we're back and getting in the holiday spirit while daddy parties ( I mean learns important business stuff) in California.

We kicked off the season with a trip to Elizabeth Farms' forest of Christmas trees. Our neighbors, Ken and Dana, took London and I along on their family outing. We were very excited to go. Otherwise, we would have had to wait unil the middle of the month to get our tree. Instead, we spent Black Friday riding in a horse-drawn wagon and picking out the perfect tree.

Then Ken cut it down for us.

The only work I had to do was carry London around in her snuggly pack and keep her warm. We've got the tree and most of the inside decorations up now. If only I had an extra hand to take some pictures!

Spooky Dookie

2008-11-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

My throat REALLY hurts tonight so I am going to type very quietly so as not to hurt it more. This past Friday was Halloween, which some of you might know. London got the privilege of having THREE costumes, none of which was the costume I wanted her to have which was a Prom Night Mistake Baby. See, all you need is a toilet, and some paper towels and presto!! Instant horror in the eyes of your neighbors. But alas, London ended up being two different pumpkins and a ballerina. It was her first cliché Halloween. Next year it’s my turn so get ready for some cringing

Anyway, she ended up liking all her costumes and was pretty happy during trick or treating. The neighbors enjoyed running up to the door to see her, and then asking if she was a princess. We didn’t actually go out, but I took candy from each of the kids bags that came to our door. They didn’t ask questions. If they had they would have gotten an answer via a backslap.

Once trick or stealing was done, we went to our friend’s house for a party which consisted of Guitar Hero, Wii bowling and one person trying (but not liking) Kim’s hit of a party drink, hot apple cider with brandy. I told her no one wants hot alcoholic drinks, but what do I know? I am just an idiot who is right 99.9% of the time.

What did we dress up as you ask? I was Marty McFly from back to the Future, and Kim was a last minute Federal Agent. The only problem was, my costume got hot really fast and once I took off my vest and jacket I looked like a Mennonite guy. Upon leaving the party I was accosted by a group of them thinking I was one of their own, and I soon found myself tilling in a field. I don’t know how I got there or how I got home, I just knew it felt like someone crammed a bible in my special place.

At least Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

2008-10-21T07:21:00.000-07:00

It's just Kim and London this week—and through December. We had a great first month, with lots of visits from our family and even a trip down to Maryland to meet Great Grandma and Great Grandpa Chuchman (below).

Now we're just settling into a routine and learning how to do every-day things together. Yesterday, it was grocery shopping and figuring out how to fit the food around London's car seat (which is too big to fit across the top of the cart). We managed, and thankfully she slept the entire time. Keep her moving and she is happy.

Here are some overdue pictures of time spent with grandparents and Nick's aunts. From top to bottom, Grandma Linda (Kim's mom), Nana Lynn (Kim's stepmom), Grandma Kathy (Nick's mom, right) with Great Aunt Chris, and Great Aunt Donna.

You have to get the Delorean up to 88 miles per hour!!!

2008-10-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

Doesn't she look like Doc from Back to the Future? I think we should keep her hair like this forever. It looks awesome, and she will pick up guys left and right. BLAH.

Hiccups Are Fun for All

2008-10-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

We (meaning Nick) have been having fun with the video camera. Enjoy some hiccups and smiles, courtesy of London. Mommy missed all the fun. Somebody has to buy the groceries. The second clip is a little long, but it's worth watching just for the grins and the little giggle toward the end.

Video Killed the Radio Star

2008-09-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

This took some time to get up, (that's what she said) but i finally figured it out. Now I have to figure out how to add music and explosions. Until then, enjoy the raw video footage from our last day at the hospital.

Also, we had our 10-day pediatrician visit this morning. London is a healthy eater and has already put back on all of the weight she lost in her first week and a teeny-weeny bit more to bring her to 8 pounds and 10 ounces. She is in the 90+ percentile for both height and weight. The nurse said the fact that she is a bigger baby probably allows her to eat a little more at a time, meaning Nick and I are privileged to get up every 3 hours for feedings rather than every 1.5 hours.

Hard to believe we have been home for a week already. She is such a great baby.

2008-09-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

Hello, world. This is London blogging. Don't let that London Cougar Mellencamp photo scare you. My daddy has some mad photo shop skills, but in reality, I am quite the beauty.

Since this is my first post, I thought I would share some of my other firsts from the past weekend.

On Friday, I had my first car ride (slept right through it).

On Saturday, I had my first leaky diaper (me and daddy slept right through it). Mommy cleaned my behind, but daddy did wake up and help clean the mess I left on the Boppy pillow.

On Saturday night, I had my first sponge bath (I did not sleep through that). But it wasn't too bad: my hair smelled really yummy afterward, and I got to cuddle up in this adorable teddy bear towel.

On Sunday, I went for the first ride in my stroller (slept all the way around the neighborhood). Check out my precious sun hat. It'll fit me right through next summer! I could have met some of my neighbors, but it was sunny so I would have had to check them out from under the stroller shade. And I would have needed to open my eyes.

Maybe next week. Instead, I saved up my energy so I could scream really loud when mommy and daddy tried to pose for our first family photo.

All the Small Things

2008-09-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

So all of the focus on day one was on just how big London is. We were so worried about keeping her warm, cozy and content that we barely unwrapped her or looked at anything but her face for the first 24 hours after delivery. Now that we're figuring out this mommy and daddy thing, it's easy to see the magic is in the little details.

Yes, it's hard to get past those beautiful blue eyes, but her little nose is pretty cute too. How funny that it took me a full day to realize that I can tickle her perfect little feet—the ones with the long, skinny toes—anytime I want. A mom even has to love the little scratch marks her little girl left on her own face after a few hours in the hospital nursery. Nothing that a little manicure won't resolve. Maybe she will be a diva after all. Then there are the see-through eyebrows, accompanied by some darker eyelashes that are long enough to kiss. One fell on her cheek this morning as she ate, and, thinking of all the promise life holds for her, I made a wish for her filled with more hope than I could have imagined a few days ago.

We didn't get a whole lot of sleep on our first night home, but it's great to be here and cuddle by nightlight in our own house. It's no small thing to feel this happy.

London Calling

2008-09-18T07:44:00.000-07:00

I will make this quick because my Mom will be here any second, but i know you vultures all want to see pictures of our baby so here you go. London Olivia was born at 8:02 PM after five hours of Kim pushing sans epidural (that means without). She was 8 lbs. 9 oz. and 21 inches long. She also had a full head of dark hair which made Kim happy. It may all still fall out to let the red hair grow in, but only time will tell. Mom and baby are doing great so far, but i could use a nap. I might as well get a t-shirt made that says that because it will probably be a theme for a while. More to come in the next few days. Monetary gifts and/ or X-Boxes are appreciated. As always, thank you for your support. Oh, and being a Dad is AWESOME.

Any Day Now...

2008-09-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow should be the big day, as if my body will listen to a prediction made nine months ago. But I went to the doctor's today, and the midwife guessed that contractions should begin within 24 hours. So maybe those of you who picked Sept. 17 in the baby pool will be right after all. Did anyone actually pick the 17th? Because I know I was hoping for something more like the 7th.

We're excited to get this show on the road. Who knows how big this baby is at this point. Compare the tummy back in March to today, and maybe you'll see why I'm a bit anxious. I know it's been done before, but I'm not exactly eager to push out a 9-pounder.

So the question is, what recommendations do you have to get things started? The midwife suggested a bumpy motorcycle ride, jumping on a trampoline and lots of sex. I'm not sure where I can find a trampoline, and with my luck I would fall off and hurt myself. But I think I'd be willing to give most anything else a try.

Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

2008-09-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

I don’t think I’m getting old, but based on the way I got out of bed this morning I think my body is telling me otherwise. This Sunday (yesterday) I played 1.5 hours of flag football on a field that was approximately the size of a tennis court. It was suggested that we expand the field, but other players were concerned that expanding the field would require moving the 9 cones we had already placed on the postage stamp we were playing on. Realizing this would require effort, it was decided that we continue to run into each other and not move the cones. I had a point here, but I seem to have forgotten it because I feel like I have internal bleeding from the game. There was very little contact, so it wasn’t like I was bruised or anything, but I think I tore something/ everything because getting out of bed took a lot of effort this morning.

Here are my main areas of concern: thighs, calves, hips, abdomen (main area of pain/ internal bleeding) shoulder and eyebrows (I also got sunburned on my face). It used to be I could play for 4 hours and feel fine the next day. What happened? I am going to chalk it up to not playing football for 3 years. Yeah, party on Wayne, party on Garth. It has only been three days since my last entry so not much has happened, oh, other than another weekend of beer pong. Now rivalries and custom tables have entered the equation, so things may get heated in the neighborhood. I will keep you posted. As far as the baby goes, Kim is getting cranky and taking it out on me, the neighbors, and the pediatricians we (she) interviewed for the right to provide remedies to our child. There have been two candidates each of which seem fine to me, especially since they are all witch doctors anyway. When asked my opinion, I said, “The closer one sounds great.” So, that decided that. According to our due date, we have nine days left. My guess is the baby will come on the 14th, because 9+14= 23 which is 4 less that my age which is 7 more than the number of bones I hurt playing football. Figure that out, calculus majors or majorettes. Oh, and we are taking Kim’s laptop into labor with us so I can give you up-to-the-hour play by plays on all the happenings of Kim’s vagine. (say it like Borat). So yeah, look forward to that. Until next time, catch some waves down in Africa.

Also: There is a new pole on the side. Take it so we can see who is right, Kim or I. Like we don’t already know the answer.

BTW: In honor of the new episode of The Hills tonight on MTV @ 10 p.m., the song of the week is Untouched by The Veronicas. The song is campy and I think it is played on Top 20 radio stations, but the girls singing it are hot, so there.

Sleep is Overrated, Unless You are Tired

2008-09-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

Number of baby showers thrown for us this past week: 1
Number of hours I have slept over the past two days: 4
Amount I paid for a sandwich last night for dinner: $20
Number of hours I sat in a car in the dark watching a vacant house: 5
What’s this add up to? It adds up to the amount of sense this post is going to make, which equals 10 plus $20. Exactly.
Good luck reading this one folks. It’s a cornucopia of sleep-deprived fun.

Last Friday, our neighbors threw us a surprise baby shower which included a cake for “Baby Pickle,” Molson on tap, streaking, mooning, beer pong and strawberry spinach salad (which was very good), and lots of great gifts. The shower/ party ended around 2:30 a.m. once the beer pong champ (NOT me) couldn’t remember how to get home despite him living directly across the street. It was such a great party even the special needs girl from down the block joined in the festivities. See below:

The rest of the weekend was spent celebrating the Holiday of Labors by getting a Gold Membership to Costco, buying 18 pounds of dried cranberries and going to Five Guys for a burger. Kim was very bored, which made her crankiness more apparent than usual.

All of this was in preparation for my long week at work which consisted of going out, coming home for 4 hours, going out, coming home for 3 hours, going out, going to a co-worker’s hotel room for 1 hour, going out, coming home and writing a senseless blog entry. What was the goal of all this you ask? The goal was apparently to eventually have some woman screaming hysterically that you are ruining her ability to care for her kids because now she has to fix her front door and you are seizing her last $350. You would really feel bad for her until you look up and realize this chick has a bigger LCD TV than you (me) will EVER have and her kids have 2 XBoxes! TWO! I don’t have ONE XBox!! In addition she has approximately 300 pairs of brand new Jordan’s (“Jordan’s” are sport sneakers for those of you over 35; they are equivalent to your Keds only nicer). So all in all, this week was a total success baby-wise and job-wise. AND I did have pancakes for breakfast which was nice. I complain, but this week was actually kind of fun. I could have gone for more sleep, but couldn’t we all. And, according to just about everyone, I will get no sleep when the baby arrives. I beg to differ. KIM will get no sleep once the baby arrives. I am the man.

At least today is Friday so… wait…it’s Thursday…crap. Time to get some sleep and to try and stop this unicorn from eating my paperwork. Exactly.

Oh… and quote of the day from 6:45 this morning.
6-year old girl: “You ain’t gettin my cell phone ’cuz I hid it!”
Me: “Your daughter has a cell phone?”
Mom: “YES, in case we don’t know where she went to.”

God Bless us, everyone.

A Whole Lot of Bacon Going On

2008-08-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

6. 5 pounds. It's not a very exciting measurement, really. That's what a gallon of ethanol, a digital projector, an 8-week-old panda cub or a bulk slab of bacon at the local Safeway will weigh in at. And according to the midwife, that's how big our baby is right this very day.

Now I'm not sure how anyone can figure this out by putting her hands on the outside of your stomach and squeezing a little bit, but I'd rather hear 6.5 as a rough guess than, say, 9.2 pounds. Especially considering this little one should keep growing for another couple of weeks. I hope the same is not true for me.

Just 23 days left until our official due date. Things are becoming very real very quickly. I am getting accustomed to sleep deprivation with about four trips to the bathroom every night, and we are both practicing with various baby technologies. For instance, trying to figure out how to assemble and take down our portable play yard. If we've mastered that, does that mean we are now qualified to be parents? It certainly was one of the more challenging tests I've faced lately.

More training this week: I am supposedly going to learn how to breast feed in a two-hour class tonight, while we're both doing the "baby tips" class on Thursday. Should provide some good material.

Funday Monday

2008-08-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

Know what today is? Today is Monday. Know what is good about Mondays? Nothing. Know what is good about Oreo Dream bars? Their taste, but back to Mondays. Today was a Monday not unlike all the other Mondays in my life. I had to go back to work, I had a stupid “very important” meeting to attend at 10, I had to stop and get gas which makes me 5 minutes late for work every single time I do it, and I lost my wallet for about 20 minutes before I even left for work. I found it in my work car, so I had that going for me, which is nice. However, THIS Monday got interesting at about 9:30 AM when I got a call from a hysterical Kim saying she is going to the hospital and being put on a monitor to make sure the baby is still moving. She asked if I could come with her so within about 17 seconds I was back in my car heading back down to Ephrata Hospital and Horse Infirmary (they combined the two because it just makes sense). Last night Kim felt the baby moving less, and felt it even less this morning so she called the doctor to make sure that was normal, and they told her to come in just in case. Don’t panic, everything turned out fine, the baby is fine, Kim is fine, I am fine, but it IS still Monday.

The whole ordeal did give me a good excuse to hit 110 MPH coming back down to the hospital… and horse infirmary. I actually pulled up behind a crotch rocket (motorcycle) so fast that HE had to get out of the way and give me a dirty look. It used to be that I was in his seat making people in cars get out of the way. But anyway, I found that one lane roads make it very hard to go fast, and that people get VERY mad when you pass them in turning lanes. None the less, I got there in record time.

We ended up staying at the hospital for about an hour in which time we got to hear, and see, the baby get hiccups, watch the Olympics, and I lost my wallet again. I later realized I took it out and put it where? On the seat next to me in my work car AGAIN so it was handy should I have gotten pulled over. I then went back to work and finished my Monday. There are still about 2 hours left to go this Monday, so anything could happen. I have some Watergate salad to eat, so that could go awry.

Oh, and we went to the cabin this weekend to which I have two comments:

- going to sleep at 11 and waking up at 7 IS NOT traditional cabin fun

- I won EVERY game we played. Can Schuyler say that? No, he can’t! What CAN Schuyler say? He can say he enjoys watching Nick win.

Here is what SHOULD be happening at the cabin

Did ANYONE enjoy the song from last week? The only person that I thought might was Luke, and he was a long shot. I received NO comments so I have no idea. I picked up the tempo this week and I mainly picked this song because I like it, AND because I like the commercial it is in. It is that cell phone commercial with the guy playing pool by himself. Not only is he playing pool by himself, but he sucks at it. Who DOES that?

Song of the week: Ace of Spades by Motorhead

2008-08-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

No funny business this time around. Just wanted to share what our nursery looks like four weeks from D-Day. The chair arrived and the wall hanging went up last weekend, so Nick met my Type-A deadline of Aug. 15 for everything being complete.

Now we just need our little bundle of joy to get here and begin exploring. For now, we're happy spending time in there and reading stories in the comfy glider. One of Nick's favorites was Pokey Little Puppy, so we've been reading that, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Richard Scarry and the occasional Shel Silverstein. Feel free to pass on your recommendations for our baby library!

Doing Martha......'s Vineyard

2008-08-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. You were all very concerned about why there hasn’t been a blog entry in a couple weeks. I even heard rumor that some of you were on the verge of picking up the old revolver and ending it all. NO NEED Ninjas, we are back in business!! After a computer meltdown and a week’s vacation, I am drafting a new blog entry for your erotic reading pleasures.

So what have you missed since the last entry? My computer got a worm, or a virus, or a Trojan condom, or something of the like that makes my searches on the Internet constantly spit out adds for cloning animals, dominatrix hermaphrodites, and devices that apparently make you bigger where you need it (I assume they mean the brain). We therefore have to get it fixed at some point. In the meantime, I am using a superior Apple computer, which I am told does not get viruses because it was inoculated back in the 50s. It has the scar to prove it.

That being said, the other thing you missed was the first annual Graham, Shaughnessy, Dacier, Marselas and Kristopher’s friend Nick vacation to Martha’s Vineyard. I said my name first because I slept the most. I also probably drank the most, though Skip (Kim’s uncle) did have a shot of Vodka at 8:15 am. He said it was to finish the bottle, but I suspect otherwise.

Here is a run down of what we did on vacation: went to the beach, played Frisbee in the water, made 4 meals a day on the grill, went bike riding and running, went to the library (FOR REAL), had a maitre d’ who looked like a male model (that last comment was according to Nick) saw a lighthouse, paid to use a toilet, paid approx. $456 for dinner for two people, watched Germans get naked, went fishing with a hung-over Australian named Darrel, and played Lego Star Wars on Nintendo DS. Oh and Kim complained, let’s not forget that.

However, the highlight of our trip was undoubtedly the fact that I saw Jay-Z. Well, I am 99% sure it was Jay- Z. He was driving a tinted Range Rover and he neglected to wave to me as I passed by, so I am pretty sure it was him. Kim attempted to yell “Jigga WHAT?” out the window but she was too slow. I blame the slowness on the baby who I will never forgive for making me miss being able to yell at Jay-Z (NOTE: Jigga is Jay-Z’s nickname, not a racial slur, although Kim does enjoy using racial slurs. You should have heard her when the Germans got naked). Kudos to Uncle Skip for getting a pretty cool house, and kudos to the Shaughnessys for not minding the dent and scratches on their SUV (I didn’t see that French bus boy till it was too late).

The last day of vacation included visiting Nikki in Boston. She showed us a cheese shop, a sink shop, a dog bone shop, and another cheese shop. She lives in the gay sink cheese district of Boston, so that explains things. We did have a great dinner with a bottle of wine, and then I destroyed Nikki and Kim at Scrabble so, all and all, Boston is awesome. That is all I have to say about vacation.

In addition, we pretty much finished the baby’s room. Crown molding is the devil’s accent piece to any room. I strongly advise no one even attempt it because it steals a part of your life that you will never ever get back…. Ever. Otherwise things turned out pretty nice. I just hope the baby appreciates lead paint cuz it cost extra.

On a side note, I am instituting a new addition to our blog entries. Each time I post, I will give you my recommendation of a song that you should download off iTunes, Limewire, or a song website of your choice. They will mostly be random songs that I think are cool or that I think will make YOU cooler people. Because our baby will need some cool people in it’s life. Enjoy, and remember, they can’t all be winners. Those of you over 35 please consult your local record store on how you can obtain these songs.

This week’s song: Ruby Tuesday by Melanie; it reminds me of the gay cheese district of Boston and it is a remake of a Rolling Stones song. Enjoy.

Music to Have a Baby By

2008-07-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

The search for the perfect music mix continues. Notice this post is not about music to make a baby by. We apparently did OK without your input on that one. But what would you play if you were going through labor? We want to know.

We're looking for suggestions for the calm, don't-push-yet stage of labor and the part where Kim will need something that throbs louder than her pain. See the comments for a rough list containing some songs we're considering. Some are sentimental, some funny, some we just like. What would you add? Please do tell. Obscure, old and off-the-wall are all welcome.

39.52 And All Is Episiotastic

2008-07-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

Betty White: Hey Kids look who’s back, it’s Nick and his traveling Wilburys, minus the Wilburys.

Nick: Interestingly enough, my Wilburys recently died and I am a bit upset about it so I would rather talk about something else.

Betty White: OK, it’s apparently your show to run, so you talk.

Nick: Great. I want to discuss two things: 5-mile races in the rain and empathy bellies.

Betty White: I know a great deal about both so….

Nick: Shut your yap, White.

Betty White: Very well, but keep it short, I still have to interview Don Imus.

Nick: So on Thursday night I wore an empathy belly at our “Learn How to Act Like You Know What is Going on While your Baby is Being Delivered Class” or LHTAL YK WIGO WYB IBDC for short. Kim felt this was an important topic to note on our blog because she said you all would get a kick out of it. My Grandma also used to say us kids would get a kick out of de-shelling eggs on Easter. Moral? Kim is like my Grandma on many levels. Point? I got a bigger kick out of the eggs, so score one for Grandma.

Anyway, I volunteered at the beginning of the class to wear this potato sack thing filled with what I assume was breast milk for about 2 hours. I put it on and immediately smelled what I can only describe as sweat and fear. I also equate the smell to gym lockers in middle school. However, the thing did have makeshift boobs, which is always nice, so I didn’t complain and took my seat in class with it on. I was immediately told I looked “really sexy” by an older gentleman in the class who followed his compliment with a wink and a sign which I think meant “call me.” I smiled politely and turned my chair to avert his gaze. I dealt with the smell and the cat calls for an hour until we got a break. The belly did make me have to pee really bad, but other than that it was a breeze. At the one hour mark I took it off and made a quick trip to the bathroom, only to return to find that some other dad to be had stolen my spotlight and was now wearing the belly. I am pretty sure he was high (by the way he talked) and his wife was the spitting image of a Clydesdale, so I figured he had enough problems. I let him keep the belly for the remaining hour of class. And that was my experience with the empathy belly. All in all it didn’t give me much empathy, because as soon as I took it off, I told Kim that I wanted her to wear a shirt to the delivery that said “No Episiotomies Please!” (The back could say “It Taint Right”) Anyone know what the taint is? Good.

Betty White: That’s a hella interesting story.

Nick: I know. But I can do one better. This morning (July 4th) I ran in a five mile race in Ephrata. It was pouring rain the whole time and I came in with a time of 39.52. Not great, but it was about a minute better than last year. But that isn’t my point. My point is that I don’t understand people who run these races in costumes. This year there was a guy wearing a Santa outfit, a guy wearing an Uncle Sam themed outfit, and I am pretty sure I ran past a guy wearing a Man-At-Arms costume from He-Man. Why would you wear a costume for a race? All you do is get even more sweaty, and you aren’t even making a big impression on people. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE RUNNING!!! People see you for 2 seconds and then you are gone!! It loses its effect very quickly. Here are the top three reasons I would wear those costumes:

1) Uncle Sam Costume: Robbing a bank. You could give the teller a note that says “I am here to cut out the middle man” YEAH, economic humor from Nick…awesome.

2) Santa Costume: Add a gun shot wound and massive amounts of blood to costume; lay down outside the children’s Mass on Christmas Eve; when the Mass ends the fun will surely ensue.

3) Grim Reaper Costume: Go to an old folks’ home; find a sleeping resident; stand at the end of their bed and wait for them to wake up.

There, now those sound like a lot more fun, right?

Betty White: No, those sound like horrible ideas.

Nick: You are right, it’s time for another dose of the empathy belly I guess. In the meantime, Kim didn’t think it was important to take a picture of me during the race, so I have added an artist’s rendition of what I looked like finishing. Enjoy, and sorry for the super long post. It’s July 4th and it’s raining, so in lieu of fireworks I decided to ramble on the Internet.

Betty White: I am incontinent.

2008-07-01T10:28:00.001-07:00

We're gearing up for week two of childbirth class and realize we haven't even told you wonderful Blog viewers about week one. Everything was pretty uneventful, except for Nick making us the talk of the town (and not in a good way).

We kicked off the night with introductions. Now you're thinking that's pretty basic stuff. But Nick is so witty he can make anything funny—or really, really uncomfortable. We went around the table, saying their names and the baby's due date and sex. Everyone is very proud and excited, especially the older couple who are due in five weeks after 10 years of trying. Nick is last to go, so after I introduce myself, he says "Hi. I'm Nick, and I'm still not even sure this baby is mine." Awkward silence followed by awkward laughter and Kim turning bright red. Maybe this kind of humor would go over just fine in D.C., but in our class of four families (two of whom are head-covering, traditional Mennonites), I think there was some real concern about the fate of our souls.

After that, he behaved pretty well through the course overview and anatomy lessons. When it came time for relaxation exercises, however, Nick was back to his normal self. Instead of letting me get into the groove with the meditative CD, he whispered his own self-help mantras (and said the CD should feature something about running over dogs). Needless to say, it was not very relaxing. Our teacher did thankfully assign homework: a massage each night for the moms. So far, Nick is 1 for 4. But that's better than before.

Can't wait to see what's in store this Thursday. Maybe Nick will find out the answer to his question from last week:

Do Mennonite women wear special underwear like those sweet Mormon girls? Your insight on the issue is appreciated.

Steppin' Out With My Baby

2008-06-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

This will be the week we look back on as "when life became all about baby." It started off Saturday with our shower—full of friends, food and fart and poopy jokes. See photo above for proof.

Thanks to Brandi, Kristy and Erika for hosting. As much as I don't like being the center of attention, I have to admit it was nice to have so many people stare at my big belly and spoil little Baby G before he or she has even entered the world.

Highlights included: having four grandmas and a great-grandma to-be in one room, laughing hysterically as Jessica recounted her pit stop at a neighborhood birthday party before realizing she was in the wrong house, getting my belly measured by my mom via Melissa's terrifically cute snake growth chart, and opening breast cream in front of 25 of my closest friends and relatives.

Nick was a little overwhelmed by the pile of awesome gifts that awaited him after his grown-up Frisbee golf outing. He did love Kristy's diaper cake. Of course he had to add his own frosting. No, that is not a poopy joke.

This afternoon, the fun continued with our 7-month check up. Everything is still going according to plan, although I did have my first chance to feel like an idiot in front of the doctor (or should I say midwife). She asked if I'd started thinking about who would "care for" the baby, so I launched into a diatribe about how we're consdering a nanny or a day care or some combination. And then she said, "Well, that's nice. But I was wondering about a pediatrician." Oh. Hadn't really thought about that. She'll be seeing a lot more of stupid me soon. We go back again in three weeks, and then we start checking in every two weeks.

And you faithful readers have a real treat coming later this week. Thursday marks our first night of childbirth classes. I'm guessing they ease the men in slowly and don't show graphic videos the first night. But I'm sure Nick will have some sage observations for you either way. Stay tuned!

There Goes My Baby

2008-06-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

You guys remember that song by Spacehog called “In the Meantime”? That was a pretty good song right? I remember the video being rather unremarkable other than the lead singer reminding me of my Uncle Eddie, but the song itself was great. What’s my point you ask? My point is that the song somewhat leads me into this weeks topic, company picnics. On Saturday, we went to a company picnic in which we spent 97% of the time chasing a toddler around while he jumped in moon bounces, picked 73 different species of flowers, interrupted ping pong, basketball, and bingo games, and ran amuck through a caricature tent causing one lady’s caricature of her as Tina Turner to look more like Tiki Barber.

What did I learn from all of this? I learned two things: My previous notion that kids enjoy sitting in the shade and having a beer while watching other people do stuff is slightly off. Don’t get me wrong. The kid I was chasing was my semi-nephew Gage, and he is a great kid who loves to run, sweat, and poop his pants while eating ice cream. I, however, only enjoy two of those things. I can’t really complain because I only had to watch him for about an hour. My step-sister has to watch him every other hour of the day (except for her mommy and heroin nights which I assume are sorely needed) in addition to caring for a newborn and an ADD-prone husband. God bless hard illegal drugs, right Maria? The picnic also included Kim licking Cookie Monster because she swore he tasted like cookies, eating ribs standing up while trying to stay out of the pouring rain, listening to REALLY bad karaoke, and watching person after person take posed pictures of themselves sticking out their asses. What’s the deal with that? KIM?

But Nick, you mentioned earlier that you learned TWO things at the picnic, what was the other thing? I learned my brother somewhat resembles Bam Margera. See?

Ice Ice Baby

2008-06-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

Now that “Lost” is finally over for the season (or maybe it just started depending on your interpretation of the space time continuum), we broke ground on the baby’s room this past weekend. And by broke ground I mean started painting… with shovels. We chose a VERY light green color that was either called Key Lime Pants Accident or Lima Minelli; I can’t remember which. You know the color of Oscar the Grouch? Yeah, MUCH lighter than him, but just as crabby and homeless. We painted most of the day Sunday but had to turn the air down to approximately 36 degrees to counteract the 117 degree temperatures outside, and then we finished our second coat Tuesday night. If I were my Dad, we would still have three more coats to go, but being that Kim loses interest in projects after working on them 2.5 times, we will stop at the two coats and call it perfection.

Keep in mind this is only phase one of 44 phases that we have to complete before the room is even remotely inhabitable by a baby. Phase two includes installing crown molding so that our baby can live a noble life that mirrors that of Anne Boleyn. She was the one who wasn’t put to death right? I sure hope so or this crown molding is a really bad idea. Phase three has been altered from nice classic wainscoting to putting large white frames on each of the walls (which would have fully transformed the room into a dining room) to merely stenciling “cute” shapes such as stars, moons, bears or handguns around the room. This saves Nick a lot of headache in the construction department, and we both figure that as soon as the kid hits 4 he/she will no longer like any designs we have done in the room anyway.

Phases four through 44 include installing an overhead light, adding curtains, furniture, and putting in a hot tub. An eight-person luxury model with 37 jets should do the trick right? Anne Boleyn would have wanted it that way.