Music to Have a Baby By

The search for the perfect music mix continues. Notice this post is not about music to make a baby by. We apparently did OK without your input on that one. But what would you play if you were going through labor? We want to know.

We're looking for suggestions for the calm, don't-push-yet stage of labor and the part where Kim will need something that throbs louder than her pain. See the comments for a rough list containing some songs we're considering. Some are sentimental, some funny, some we just like. What would you add? Please do tell. Obscure, old and off-the-wall are all welcome.

39.52 And All Is Episiotastic

Betty White: Hey Kids look who’s back, it’s Nick and his traveling Wilburys, minus the Wilburys.

Nick: Interestingly enough, my Wilburys recently died and I am a bit upset about it so I would rather talk about something else.

Betty White: OK, it’s apparently your show to run, so you talk.

Nick: Great. I want to discuss two things: 5-mile races in the rain and empathy bellies.

Betty White: I know a great deal about both so….

Nick: Shut your yap, White.

Betty White: Very well, but keep it short, I still have to interview Don Imus.

Nick: So on Thursday night I wore an empathy belly at our “Learn How to Act Like You Know What is Going on While your Baby is Being Delivered Class” or LHTAL YK WIGO WYB IBDC for short. Kim felt this was an important topic to note on our blog because she said you all would get a kick out of it. My Grandma also used to say us kids would get a kick out of de-shelling eggs on Easter. Moral? Kim is like my Grandma on many levels. Point? I got a bigger kick out of the eggs, so score one for Grandma.

Anyway, I volunteered at the beginning of the class to wear this potato sack thing filled with what I assume was breast milk for about 2 hours. I put it on and immediately smelled what I can only describe as sweat and fear. I also equate the smell to gym lockers in middle school. However, the thing did have makeshift boobs, which is always nice, so I didn’t complain and took my seat in class with it on. I was immediately told I looked “really sexy” by an older gentleman in the class who followed his compliment with a wink and a sign which I think meant “call me.” I smiled politely and turned my chair to avert his gaze. I dealt with the smell and the cat calls for an hour until we got a break. The belly did make me have to pee really bad, but other than that it was a breeze. At the one hour mark I took it off and made a quick trip to the bathroom, only to return to find that some other dad to be had stolen my spotlight and was now wearing the belly. I am pretty sure he was high (by the way he talked) and his wife was the spitting image of a Clydesdale, so I figured he had enough problems. I let him keep the belly for the remaining hour of class. And that was my experience with the empathy belly. All in all it didn’t give me much empathy, because as soon as I took it off, I told Kim that I wanted her to wear a shirt to the delivery that said “No Episiotomies Please!” (The back could say “It Taint Right”) Anyone know what the taint is? Good.

Betty White: That’s a hella interesting story.

Nick: I know. But I can do one better. This morning (July 4th) I ran in a five mile race in Ephrata. It was pouring rain the whole time and I came in with a time of 39.52. Not great, but it was about a minute better than last year. But that isn’t my point. My point is that I don’t understand people who run these races in costumes. This year there was a guy wearing a Santa outfit, a guy wearing an Uncle Sam themed outfit, and I am pretty sure I ran past a guy wearing a Man-At-Arms costume from He-Man. Why would you wear a costume for a race? All you do is get even more sweaty, and you aren’t even making a big impression on people. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE RUNNING!!! People see you for 2 seconds and then you are gone!! It loses its effect very quickly. Here are the top three reasons I would wear those costumes:

1) Uncle Sam Costume: Robbing a bank. You could give the teller a note that says “I am here to cut out the middle man” YEAH, economic humor from Nick…awesome.

2) Santa Costume: Add a gun shot wound and massive amounts of blood to costume; lay down outside the children’s Mass on Christmas Eve; when the Mass ends the fun will surely ensue.

3) Grim Reaper Costume: Go to an old folks’ home; find a sleeping resident; stand at the end of their bed and wait for them to wake up.

There, now those sound like a lot more fun, right?

Betty White: No, those sound like horrible ideas.

Nick: You are right, it’s time for another dose of the empathy belly I guess. In the meantime, Kim didn’t think it was important to take a picture of me during the race, so I have added an artist’s rendition of what I looked like finishing. Enjoy, and sorry for the super long post. It’s July 4th and it’s raining, so in lieu of fireworks I decided to ramble on the Internet.

Betty White: I am incontinent.

We're gearing up for week two of childbirth class and realize we haven't even told you wonderful Blog viewers about week one. Everything was pretty uneventful, except for Nick making us the talk of the town (and not in a good way).

We kicked off the night with introductions. Now you're thinking that's pretty basic stuff. But Nick is so witty he can make anything funny—or really, really uncomfortable. We went around the table, saying their names and the baby's due date and sex. Everyone is very proud and excited, especially the older couple who are due in five weeks after 10 years of trying. Nick is last to go, so after I introduce myself, he says "Hi. I'm Nick, and I'm still not even sure this baby is mine." Awkward silence followed by awkward laughter and Kim turning bright red. Maybe this kind of humor would go over just fine in D.C., but in our class of four families (two of whom are head-covering, traditional Mennonites), I think there was some real concern about the fate of our souls.

After that, he behaved pretty well through the course overview and anatomy lessons. When it came time for relaxation exercises, however, Nick was back to his normal self. Instead of letting me get into the groove with the meditative CD, he whispered his own self-help mantras (and said the CD should feature something about running over dogs). Needless to say, it was not very relaxing. Our teacher did thankfully assign homework: a massage each night for the moms. So far, Nick is 1 for 4. But that's better than before.

Can't wait to see what's in store this Thursday. Maybe Nick will find out the answer to his question from last week: 

Do Mennonite women wear special underwear like those sweet Mormon girls? Your insight on the issue is appreciated.