39.52 And All Is Episiotastic

Betty White: Hey Kids look who’s back, it’s Nick and his traveling Wilburys, minus the Wilburys.

Nick: Interestingly enough, my Wilburys recently died and I am a bit upset about it so I would rather talk about something else.

Betty White: OK, it’s apparently your show to run, so you talk.

Nick: Great. I want to discuss two things: 5-mile races in the rain and empathy bellies.

Betty White: I know a great deal about both so….

Nick: Shut your yap, White.

Betty White: Very well, but keep it short, I still have to interview Don Imus.

Nick: So on Thursday night I wore an empathy belly at our “Learn How to Act Like You Know What is Going on While your Baby is Being Delivered Class” or LHTAL YK WIGO WYB IBDC for short. Kim felt this was an important topic to note on our blog because she said you all would get a kick out of it. My Grandma also used to say us kids would get a kick out of de-shelling eggs on Easter. Moral? Kim is like my Grandma on many levels. Point? I got a bigger kick out of the eggs, so score one for Grandma.

Anyway, I volunteered at the beginning of the class to wear this potato sack thing filled with what I assume was breast milk for about 2 hours. I put it on and immediately smelled what I can only describe as sweat and fear. I also equate the smell to gym lockers in middle school. However, the thing did have makeshift boobs, which is always nice, so I didn’t complain and took my seat in class with it on. I was immediately told I looked “really sexy” by an older gentleman in the class who followed his compliment with a wink and a sign which I think meant “call me.” I smiled politely and turned my chair to avert his gaze. I dealt with the smell and the cat calls for an hour until we got a break. The belly did make me have to pee really bad, but other than that it was a breeze. At the one hour mark I took it off and made a quick trip to the bathroom, only to return to find that some other dad to be had stolen my spotlight and was now wearing the belly. I am pretty sure he was high (by the way he talked) and his wife was the spitting image of a Clydesdale, so I figured he had enough problems. I let him keep the belly for the remaining hour of class. And that was my experience with the empathy belly. All in all it didn’t give me much empathy, because as soon as I took it off, I told Kim that I wanted her to wear a shirt to the delivery that said “No Episiotomies Please!” (The back could say “It Taint Right”) Anyone know what the taint is? Good.

Betty White: That’s a hella interesting story.

Nick: I know. But I can do one better. This morning (July 4th) I ran in a five mile race in Ephrata. It was pouring rain the whole time and I came in with a time of 39.52. Not great, but it was about a minute better than last year. But that isn’t my point. My point is that I don’t understand people who run these races in costumes. This year there was a guy wearing a Santa outfit, a guy wearing an Uncle Sam themed outfit, and I am pretty sure I ran past a guy wearing a Man-At-Arms costume from He-Man. Why would you wear a costume for a race? All you do is get even more sweaty, and you aren’t even making a big impression on people. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE RUNNING!!! People see you for 2 seconds and then you are gone!! It loses its effect very quickly. Here are the top three reasons I would wear those costumes:

1) Uncle Sam Costume: Robbing a bank. You could give the teller a note that says “I am here to cut out the middle man” YEAH, economic humor from Nick…awesome.

2) Santa Costume: Add a gun shot wound and massive amounts of blood to costume; lay down outside the children’s Mass on Christmas Eve; when the Mass ends the fun will surely ensue.

3) Grim Reaper Costume: Go to an old folks’ home; find a sleeping resident; stand at the end of their bed and wait for them to wake up.

There, now those sound like a lot more fun, right?

Betty White: No, those sound like horrible ideas.

Nick: You are right, it’s time for another dose of the empathy belly I guess. In the meantime, Kim didn’t think it was important to take a picture of me during the race, so I have added an artist’s rendition of what I looked like finishing. Enjoy, and sorry for the super long post. It’s July 4th and it’s raining, so in lieu of fireworks I decided to ramble on the Internet.

Betty White: I am incontinent.