It’s been a while since I blogged and I am starting to get angry text messages such as “When is the next entry coming?” “I already read your other entries three times and laughed till I threw up!” and “Oh, I see, you will support HER baby but not the one WE had!” Well, I decided it was time to respond to two out of three of those angry text messages. However, my creative side has been stifled lately with tons of work (at home and at real work), having my likeness splashed across Pennsylvania newspapers, and heavy drinking on the weekends. Despite all of this, I have come up with another stimulating introspection into a middle class couples’ (us) pregnancy that will later become a best selling novel. ** By the way, Kim is due for an entry and she will give you real details as to what is going on**
We (mostly Kim) are a little past the halfway mark and I thought I should review what I have learned so far so as I can better gauge what I have yet to learn. That means another list (this time with letters not numbers).
a. Babies do not grow in stomachs, that’s where food and farts grow
b. Babies are approximately the same annoyance as dogs, but with greater financial reward if
you force them to master a lucrative sport
c. Babies do not want you to know what gender they are so you have to buy semi-gay “neutral”
sheet sets (send hate emails to Don Graham)
d. Babies rooms are as expensive to furnish as buying a small, used Kia, but with more cup
holders
e. Babies love the Nintendo Power Glove though it was only good for like three games… so not
radical
f. Babies make your wife want her picture taken and then comment “I look fat” about each of
them
g. Babies like Twister, but refrain from letting their mom get naked during the game
h. Babies get you fancy new power tools under the guise of “needing them to get the nursery
ready”
And finally…..
i. Babies make your wife exponentially more sensitive to the caring, kind, and innocent question
“When was the last time you went to the gym?”
So, that being said, I guess we have 3 more months to go. To make things more interesting, summer historically tends to be some of the hotter months of the year. I figure the heat will make for a third trimester not unlike the movie National Lampoons Vacation, in which we lend money to Cousin Eddie, a dog dies from being dragged behind a car, and ultimately the park is closed but we stick a BB gun to the guard’s head and force him to ride the “Whipper Snapper” with us. Any of that make sense? Yeah, welcome to my world for the past 6 months.
Sorry folks, the park’s closed, the moose out front should have told ya.
We (mostly Kim) are a little past the halfway mark and I thought I should review what I have learned so far so as I can better gauge what I have yet to learn. That means another list (this time with letters not numbers).
a. Babies do not grow in stomachs, that’s where food and farts grow
b. Babies are approximately the same annoyance as dogs, but with greater financial reward if
you force them to master a lucrative sport
c. Babies do not want you to know what gender they are so you have to buy semi-gay “neutral”
sheet sets (send hate emails to Don Graham)
d. Babies rooms are as expensive to furnish as buying a small, used Kia, but with more cup
holders
e. Babies love the Nintendo Power Glove though it was only good for like three games… so not
radical
f. Babies make your wife want her picture taken and then comment “I look fat” about each of
them
g. Babies like Twister, but refrain from letting their mom get naked during the game
h. Babies get you fancy new power tools under the guise of “needing them to get the nursery
ready”
And finally…..
i. Babies make your wife exponentially more sensitive to the caring, kind, and innocent question
“When was the last time you went to the gym?”
So, that being said, I guess we have 3 more months to go. To make things more interesting, summer historically tends to be some of the hotter months of the year. I figure the heat will make for a third trimester not unlike the movie National Lampoons Vacation, in which we lend money to Cousin Eddie, a dog dies from being dragged behind a car, and ultimately the park is closed but we stick a BB gun to the guard’s head and force him to ride the “Whipper Snapper” with us. Any of that make sense? Yeah, welcome to my world for the past 6 months.
Sorry folks, the park’s closed, the moose out front should have told ya.
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